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Untitled Zombie Story

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  • Untitled Zombie Story

    So, a while ago I posted up a chunk of a story. And because I know you all adore every word I write, here's some more of my story. Again, I ask for some feed back because, well, I want the story to be good. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. Years of moderating has long since beaten any remnants of humanity from my dark and evil soul, so saying I suck at spelling isn't going to hurt me at all.

    Prologue.
    Spoiler:


    Chapter 1
    Spoiler:


    Chapter 2
    Spoiler:
    Last edited by Darkmoon; 02-21-2010, 06:46 PM.

  • #2
    I LOVE where this is going! Nothing bad about the story, Dark Moon. This is some quality story ark, here.

    Although after reading this, I feel shit-scared of Zombie's for some reason.

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    • #3
      Sorry, I can't read it... I'm thinking of wrighting my own zombie story, and it would alter my ideas and induce me to something else, and... haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just can't do it!!!!!! hope you go good on sellings.

      P.S.: I'll just wright mine for me and some firnds, not for publishment

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      • #4
        Wow, Darkmoon, that was simply amazing! I want more!!!

        I'm really happy with the story so far, keep it up! I like how you made it also infect animals to, and it seems mutations too from that description of zombies out there being far more dangerous, reminds me of crimson heads! I really liked it, can't wait for the rest!

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        • #5
          Well, I love Resident Evil (Shock! Horror!) so I'd be lying if I didn't borrow a few ideas from there. There will be a few noticible differences between my zombies and those in RE, however.

          1 - There aren't mutations. Would have made it too RE. There are, however, Ghouls...creatures that somehow got a low dose of infection, either from a smaller than normal wound or from the ingestion of zombie material (zombie blows up, some gets in your mouth...or, of course, the nastier possiblity). Ghouls are smarter and faster than a normal zombie, tougher than a regular human and destinctly hungry for the taste of flesh. Difference is they can use zombies and zombie animals as servants and traps, as well as weapons.

          2 - Only larger animals will be infected. I've always worked on the theory that they have to be a certain size or a zombie would eat so much they'd never be able to reanimate. Some birds and some scavengers will be different...they'll essentially be animal ghouls, having feasted on zombies and such. This means they won't, automatically, be hunting people as there fear of humans is still present.

          2 - It'll be possible to be infected and survive. However, like chicken pox, the virus will live in your system for ever. So if you are infected and survive, but die at a later date for any reason, you'll reanimate.

          Thanks for the kind words so far. I've almost finished the second chapter. I'm hoping to do quite a bit on my family holiday, which starts this Saturday, and get maybe half way to the upper word limit for this book, 110,000 word. That's the most the publisher I have in mind publishes. It's currently at around 16,000 words, with these two and what's been written for chapter 2. So another 35,000 isn't too bad.

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          • #6
            Very good. I tend to suffer from writers block everytime I start on something like this.

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            • #7
              Yeah, I know the feeling. The trick I found helped was to go through the whole of a chapter, writting a single line for each bit, so you know what's comming next and have an overall structure to the chapter.

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              • #8
                Rise from your grave. RISE!

                So, although I'm further ahead than this I figured I'd post chapter 2. Finally. Mostly because I don't like it very much. I feel it's too much of, 'As you know, Bob,' bit of writing. I don't think it flows right and I'm thinking of moving a lot of it into other parts of the story.

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                • #9
                  Instead of reading my papers for my workshop tomorrow, I read this.

                  So far I like it. There's a good sense of building tension and good, solid dialogue between characters. Chapter 2 did feel somewhat filler-ish, but not in a bad way. It only slightly breaks the flow, but in a way I think could work better the more you tinker with it and decide what you like. Its good to see the character interactions and hear about what is going on, and how they are each individually dealing with things. Chapter 2 may seem that way because the emotions are more static as people are just saying what is going on.
                  sigpic
                  Are you tired, Rebecca?

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                  • #10
                    Hmmm, good point. I think part of the problem is I'm used to writting action scenes, something I'm apparently quite good at, and this was a deliberate attempt to do something different. The first major one at that. I feel the later ones flow a bit better. I'll keep tinkering here then.

                    I'm a strong beliver in starting slow though. Of course, my version of starting slow is burning a zombine infested city down around the characters ears...

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                    • #11
                      Normally, Dark, whenever I run into any kind of fiction on the Internet, I usually wind up just reading through the first couple of paragraphs, then skimming over the rest before closing it altogether. Yours, however, manages to hold my attention all the way through. It’s very good. I admire your ability to write dialogue, as this is an area I tend to struggle with. I can even detect the accents of the characters without you having to tell me what they are. It’s very subtle, and doesn’t come across as being overly dramatic or comical. (I do think that the whole “angry red-headed Scotsman” bit is a tad cliché, but then again, I’ve never actually met a real Scotsman before, so perhaps that’s how they really are. LOL.)

                      Having said this, I will agree with you that there is just something not-quite-right about Chapter Two. I’m having a really hard time putting my finger on what it could be though. I think you may have said it best when you mentioned that there is just a little too much “As you know, Bob" stuff going on. The tale of survival might be a little too long-winded, especially when it is being told to a group of people who have already experienced their own version of the same hellish scenario. At times it comes across as being a little too “preachy.” Perhaps you could break it up somehow with some sort of minor action sequence or event. Towards the beginning of the chapter, you mention the “…distant yells and shrieks coming from the last stand of another group of survivors.” Perhaps you could use this other band as a way to break up Charity’s story. She might be interrupted by the sound of gunfire off in the distance, followed soon after by screams. Both groups could sit there for a while in awkward silence, their faces somber, knowing that there was absolutely nothing they could do to help those people.

                      I don’t know. Just thinking out loud here…

                      I really like the ending. Great cliffhanger. Brian Keene used fire to a similar effect in Dead Sea. (I'd highly recommend reading it, if you haven't already.)

                      I’m not sure where you stand as far as proofreading goes, but I did notice a few of those little bastards that spell-check won't pick-up, such as there/they’re/their, to/too/two, and through/though. All very minor.

                      Anyways, keep up the great work, Dark. Like I said, I think it’s very good, and I’ll be looking forward to the next installment.

                      Last edited by Chimera; 02-24-2010, 01:15 AM.

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                      • #12
                        I used to live next to Scotland. I've met more than one Monty, I must admit. But as with everything that works well, what's on the surface isn't going to be what's underneath. The trick with using a stereotype is turning them into something more real as you go.

                        I do think I'm going to end up cutting the story off part way through and moving on, then returning to it during another safe moment. There's too much revealing stuff for this early on. I'll see if I can make it less preachy too.

                        And fire is always something I've wanted to see more of in stories like this. It just makes sense. With all those automated bits and bobs no longer being supervised, fire is almost certain. And that's assuming an idiot with a firebomb or home made flame thrower doesn't set something off. And since the fire brigade are busy gnawing on there neighbors...

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                        • #13
                          I have to say, normally I tend to avoid fiction on the internet, and if I somehow do end up trying to read it, I lose interest almost immediately. But these few chapters are really, really good. I'm no expert, but it really grabbed my attention. The very beginning had me bored for a little while, I'll admit, but it became more so out of anticipation as the minutes went on.
                          As Chimera and you both already mentioned, the second chapter did need a little breaking up, if you know what I mean. But all in all, its great so far, and I cannot wait to see it continue. =)
                          :Lurker & Unofficial Thread Killer of THiA:

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                          • #14
                            SITREP?

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                            • #15
                              Progressing, slowly. Too many things to do.

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